The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
