Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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