What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
