I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
