I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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