I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Jerry, you need to find god
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
