he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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