Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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