mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
