the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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