allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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