Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You need a sexual gate keeper
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
