that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
