Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
