so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
