My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
