Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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