dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
