The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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