I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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