Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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