so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
