I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
