god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
