If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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