Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
