Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
