Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
