He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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