Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
