Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Vodka?
Forever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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