The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
