Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
