yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
