it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
