there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
