listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
