found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
