I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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