I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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