I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
