ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You made out with two different species that night
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
