You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
