when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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