Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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