New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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