found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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