I seem to have left my pride at pride
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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