i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
