Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
