My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
