Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
