do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
