she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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