i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
