Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
