Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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