He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
