You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
