I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
