Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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